In all the seven kingdoms of Westico, there is no place more reviled than the chamber where sits the Throne of Thorns. Law decrees that upon this seat there must be a King or Queen, also to wear the complimentary Crown of Thorns. Ouch! And to hang out there, in that dreary, dark place where all sorts of problematic things can happen.
To fill the throne with new royal buttocks is always the mission of the heavily-armed Landfester Legion, who have, throughout history, served as Throne Fillers by command of the Septic Church of the Flatulence.
As our story opens, there is a warrant to scour the kingdom for a new ruler. In an attempt to blow up the capital city, the recent king only blew himself up while making a bomb and a replacement is sorely needed.
In the South, the kingdom of Dothrocky, Queen Dania is adamant in her refusal of the crown. Her heavily-fortified castle, protected by circling dragons, allows her to fend off the Landfesters in their quest to fill the seat. They are finally beaten back when the giant reptiles let forth vast torrents of puke which literally inundate the invading forces, quickly turning them into slipping and sliding retreatants.
In the East, the Landfesters fail to attract a Queen from among the Snake Sluts running the city state of Hiss Pit. When confronted by a counter-attacking wave of screaming naked women waving swords and snakes in either hand, the invading forces themselves slithered quickly away.
In the West, two surviving brothers of the blown-up mad king — Tex and Tox Dodge — are surrounded in a surprise attack by the Landfester warrant servers brigade. The invaders develop a phalanx of shields and spears to surround the Dodge boys, forcing them inward into a small clotted compaction of sweating, hirsute humanity, compressed sufficiently to allow the official declaration of kingship to be passed hand to hand from the strutting head Landfester knight — the arrogant and heavily armored Jim Bob.
But in that seeming moment of capitulation and warrant serving, there suddenly appear the private forces of a brothel network personality called Middle Finger. The Night Veil Pimp league forces beat down the Landfesters with a torrent of flying dildos, festooned with poisoned teaser bumps.
The Dodge Boys retreat in disgust from the carnage, to the city of Detroitus and begin work on a new kind of wheel-rolling carriage conveyance powered by pots of hot oil, the kind often used to defend castles.
Following this third retreat, the Landfesters seek a partnership with a mysterious religious cult run by a fanatic called Low Buzzard. But when he kidnaps the Landfester’s grandson and tortures him with the incessant reading of scripture, head knight Jim Bob surprise attacks them during a deacon’s meeting and ice cream supper, and dispatches them all except Low Buzzard.
When the fanatic seeks to fly away on man-made wings, he symbolically crashes into a brick wall and falls into the lush palace gardens, where he is promptly hacked to death by an enraged gardener from the Orient.
Finally, the commission heads north, to see what castaways might be retrieved from the notorious Wildling and Woodling tribes around the giant wall. It is constructed of huge dung bricks from the now-extinct ancient reptile giants who lived here in prehistory. Frozen dung has made an impenetrable fortress and cauldrons of okra juice have made it even more so.
As an aside, the dung wall is symbolic of this world’s history. Piles of it have been created over the generations through normal population defecation and the extraordinary contributions of the dinosaurs and some ugly giants. So-called ‘shit-storms’ of violence are regular occurrences in this semi-savage medieval world, likely driven by stench and the territorial ownership of the property where turds are placed. Their eternal symbolic quest in this world is summarized in a planetary mission to ‘get their shit together,’ meaning a vast network of walls that will protect them from their real or imagined superstitious fears of dark places and evil creatures real or imagined.
There emerges one man, one worthy champion, at the Dung Wall Castle. His name is Joe Blow. He is soon betrayed and dragged off during a checkers tournament, and carried in chains back to the capital city to serve as king and take on governance of the misbegotten world.
In despair, Joe attempts suicide en route but is saved with a magic potion from a mysterious and horny red-headed woman derisively called Ready Bitch by the residents of Old Town. They have furious, candle-lit coitus.
The frightened citizens try to burn Ready Bitch at the stake but she escapes, impregnated, on a horse galloping south in the snow. Frustrated at their lack of a stake-burning, the residents decide to roast a pig and have a barbecue instead. It is disrupted when the wildlings and woodlings start fighting in the buffet line.
Back in the capital, Joe is being forced to take the official oath of kingship — doomed to inhabit this horrible post until his last breath, unless there can be some miraculous escape.
At the last moment, as the ceremony winds down to the climactic placement of the Thorn Crown on Joe’s head, all of the Landfesters and the royal court drink a toast in celebration. They all gasp, writhe and fall dead. Joe is saved.
Suddenly, a gang of naked women waving snakes take over the church. In desperation, Lady Landfester, who purposely puked her poison, sneaks into the crypts below to reach a dusty stash of an esoteric explosive. In her attempts to light a fuse, she drops the candle and blows herself up.
The city is saved, but vast numbers of snakes and bitches make its future cloudily problematic. The incident proved once and for all that the whole Landfester family is deleteriously inept in the handling of explosives.
In season one’s final scene, a young girl, a waif perhaps, is seen rummaging through the ruins of the city. She comes upon Jim Bob, the last remaining Landfester, who had saved himself by pouring his poison into a large potted plant, which was now turning brown. The girl walks up to him confidently.
Who are you? says Jim Bob.
I am Aria Snow Stark, she proclaims, pulling off her face to reveal another face.
Don’t know you, says Jim Bob. You must have been one of Ned’s kids.
No! I am Brie of Cheese Tarts. She peels off another face.
We never did make out, says Jim Bob. But I loaned you a sword once, never got it back. Did you bring it?
Perhaps the other end of a sword. She peels off another face to reveal another woman — Lady Snow Stark, looking very pale.
I’ll be damned, says Jim Bob. Lady Stark…you kept me in a cage. Did you enjoy the red wedding? A little too much grisly horror was it?
Just one more who wants you dead! She peels away yet another face to reveal Tyrion Landfester, the infamous dwarf.
“You always called me Shorty,” he says. He pulls a crossbow and fires.
Cliffhanger ends season one.
In season two, a vacant throne causes consternation in the capital city. Slavers arrive and attempt to put a eunuch slave on the throne, but are thwarted by a coalition of gays, transgenders and the surgically challenged. A Harpy priest called Ru Paul is scheduled to reign but, at the last minute, escapes to New Orleans.
The Iron Bank meantime revokes the government’s charter over the throne vacancy default, and closes all of its gaming parlors and joust festivals. Middle Finger is thwarted in his plans to build a nudist theme park.
The bank attempts to thrust the throne upon the Tyrell family, but they use their bumper crops of soybeans and peanuts to bribe the bankers into submission. The fabled ‘Goobers’ are considered a delicacy, a gourmet food, in Westico, especially when marinated in nectar of okra juice.
Joe Blow is almost persuaded to take the thorn throne but has become too fond of skiing to ever consider leaving the north. Winter is said to be coming, but the mentally empowered brother, Bran the Flake, is able to attract all of the signifying white ravens down into a rookery just north of the dung wall, and so the Corpse King and his dead army is somewhat deterred — as long as the rookery stands!
At Night Veil Brothels, Inc., Middle Finger hatches a plot to force his step-son onto the throne so he can ply him with pretty gifts, even live birds, and hold the real power in Westico without having to sit himself on the dastardly thorns. His plot is foiled when one of the gifted parrots bites the young man on the pecker and he has Middle Finger executed.
(We are contemplating a daring escape, but we are waiting on market favorability numbers on Finger, and the whole storyline. We can’t build an expensive set if we’re not going to have that storyline, and we can’t have it if the focus group doesn’t like the characters.)
SPIN KING Agency is hopeful that your producers will take a serious look at the above treatment and consider funding this project immediately. Winter is coming and we need to nail down our shooting locations in the South Bronx.
GAME OF THORNS — A New Show!
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